Editing Ourselves for Others

At almost 50-years-old, it's embarrassing to think I'm just starting to understand this. Hang in there, hopefully I'll unpack it in a way that seems rational. For years, I've been aware that my unique, passionate way of approaching things can exasperate others. Especially those who like to follow a straight line, or are extremely attached to their approach.

For years, my self-talk insisted that I need to edit myself to better accommodate other's needs because my way was a bit too unorthodox. I used leadership concepts, learning styles, etc. to validate this belief. I needed to meet them where they were at and look for a cooperative and collaborative approach. Right?

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Sort of!

I'm coming to realize the importance of being myself. God took great care to create the unique characteristics that make me, "me"... and you, "you!" It's perfectly acceptable for two people not to jive. It's also appropriate to respect one another despite our differences. We may not be interested in spending any more time than necessary with each other, but... it is NOT okay to suggest that others change who they are to accommodate us, nor should we try to edit ourselves to appease others. If I'm not for you, then you either need to keep walking - or if required, interact with tolerance and respect.

I'm still untangling this, but here's a few examples that are helping me find clarity.

NOT OKAY	OKAY
You're always so loud, can't you be quiet?	I'm feeling overstimulated, would you mind lowering your voice?
You're so intimidating and demanding, you need to stop being like that!	For some reason I'm feeling overwhelmed, would you mind helping me better understand your position?
You're just too much!	I feel like I can't keep up and I'm overwhelmed, would you mind if I take a moment to regroup?
Karaoke is dumb, I don't even know why you go to those places!	I know you love karaoke, but it's really not my thing. Can we grab a drink and just visit somewhere quieter?
You're so critical and controlling, can't you just keep your opinion to yourself?	I'm sure you don't mean it this way, but I'm struggling with feeling inadequate; I'd like to work this out myself.

This isn't just about communication, it's about intention. In the left column, the person is imposing who they are onto you with the expectation you change. In the right column, the person is trying to self-manage and be honest about their struggle. They are respectfully asking you to honor where they are at in the moment. These are very different things!

I'm also coming to realize that I need to be more intentional about my circle. I need to protect my heart and ensure I don't invite someone who is incapable of self-managing into my trusted circle. Who we are should only be entrusted to those who have proven we are safe in their care. Anyone who doesn't offer this should stay at arm's length and without access to our heart and mind.

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Feel free to share your thoughts, struggle, and overcoming tips. I'm sure they will spark another element of my healing journey. If you feel my journey is helping you along yours, or you think it will help someone else in your world, please share this. If COVID taught us anything, it's no matter if you're an introvert or inward thinker, isolation and the sense of being alone is pure torture. Let's not do this alone!

You're always welcome!

Carrie ~