Will God Sacrifice Me to Heal Them?

If I'm honest, this swirls around in my head more often than I'd like to admit. I often say, "God uses whom and what He wants to accomplish His purpose." The hardest part of this truth is the loss attached to it. Intellectually, I know we walk through seasons and most people are meant to come and go, but no matter how logical... my heart continues to wrestle with this reality.

I've had to let people go. Sometimes it's because the relationship was an illusion, not based on authentic connection, love, care, and acceptance. There were also circumstances or series of events that required me to determine, we were not aligned; acknowledging it was no longer healthy to be in each other's lives. When it's time to let go, there's always a moment when we have to choose forgiveness. I typically rationalize this quickly based on the quote from Marianne Williamson, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." That said, it's an ongoing process when it's someone close to us.

Amidst the wake of consequences slamming into me based on their typically reckless and selfish choices, I admittedly find myself wondering, "Will God sacrifice me to heal them?" Was I just a tool He brought into their life to help them and bring about healing? Am I just collateral damage?

My mind continues to spiral into a series of thoughts and feelings. Am I just a commodity to be consumed? Am I just a symbolic role with a title that is nothing more than a namedrop? Am I just a force to be reconned with? A convenience that must serve others but is not worthy of pursuit? The hard reality is, in many cases this is all we are to some. They will gladly attach themselves to us as long as we serve their purpose.

Now it's time to look in the mirror. Who allowed this? Was it God... or was it us? Did we choose to foolishly invite people into our world we likely knew were incapable of deep love and loyalty? In reflection, was it always clear they were tapping into our "value add," vs. our personhood? Did we dismiss the signs that it was always going to be about them - ignoring the obvious; when they found a new source, they'd trade us in? Most importantly, is this a pattern?

I'm having to face the truth, I, and I alone opted to let others consume me. I decided my worth was only as valuable as what I produced... and "they" believed me, because I believed me. I neglected to define within myself, healthy boundaries that would have indicated early on, I was not valuable to them. I allowed nostalgia and tradition to keep me in a cycle of shame and rejection... and ultimately, abandonment. And, God let me.

So, now I have a choice. It should be a simple one, but based on the historic pattern I created, a scary one. My pattern would say, "I'm not worth it," but maybe if I stop serving my pattern and genuinely realize my worth, I might find a line of people grateful for the opportunity to do life with me. Eager to invest in me as a person and in my passions and dreams. Since it's still easier for me to believe it for you than myself, I'll declare, "YES... if you genuinely realize your worth, you'll find a line of people grateful for the opportunity to do life with you! Eager to invest in you as a person and in your passions and dreams." I'll let my encouragement for you - be my inspiration for belief.

Clearly I've got a long way to go. Obviously I have not figured it all out, so I welcome your thoughts and insight into semi-successful ways you've navigated this subject. Subscribe for updates!

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Feel free to share your thoughts, struggle, and overcoming tips. I'm sure they will spark another element of my healing journey. If you feel my journey is helping you along yours, or you think it will help someone else in your world, please share this. If COVID taught us anything, it's no matter if you're an introvert or inward thinker, isolation and the sense of being alone is pure torture. Let's not do this alone!

You're always welcome!

Carrie ~