Telling On My Inner Child

Have I mentioned, I'm messed up? One of my greatest frustrations is how messy I am. No matter how much I wrestle with myself, what I try to manage as passion, comes out as anxiety - and self-control boils over as avoidance. The kicker, why in the world do I have to manage myself so darn much?

Feeling Muddy

Why do I have so many demons inside screaming at me to lose my shit. Why does it feel like I spend much of my day in an MMA match with my mind? Why must my deeply imbedded, consistently awakened trauma stampede my character and rationale?

Do any of you struggle with the reality that your hurt seems to override who you know yourself to truly be? Do you sit on the sidelines of your emotions, fiercely judging every one into submission? Do you question yourself when you face your thoughts, shocked by your ability to think and feel such things? Does it leave you feeling even more defeated than you could have imagined?

A constant wrestling match

Here's the greatest question of them all (for me)! How are we supposed to learn to feel, how to heal or how to be free when we're so offended by our own feelings/thoughts, that the natural reaction is to beat them into submission... even if unsuccessful? I've tried to see my feelings as the "child inside," acknowledging that if I don't let her feel, she will turn into something between Medusa and a Tasmanian Devil? I've even recognized how I try to bully her into submission, having absolutely no patience. I'm cold, demanding, and completely unsympathetic toward her.

If I'm honest... I'm terrified of her. There has never been a time in my life where feeling, more less expressing said feelings has been safe. Feelings equal abandonment. If I feel they will leave; ironically, they leave anyway so clearly this isn't a rational form of thought. The scariest part is, how to manage the feelings as they're leaving. It feels like a tsunami just waiting for the right jarring circumstance to activate an irreversible wave of emotion. The emotion is terrifying, but more than that, it's the words and actions tremoring below the surface that horrify me the most. I feel like "she" is holding her breath, clenching her fists, and moments away from a catastrophic temper tantrum that can't be undone.

Temper Tantrum

So here we are. No closer to an answer. Still clueless about how to manipulate "her" into just going back to the sandbox and forgetting that she's about to explode. She is a force to be reconned with, and I'm feeling ill-equipped to keep her in-line. If I'm honest, I'm incredibly ashamed of her and I just wish I could find a way to make her disappear. I think we're all aware, that's not an option. We can hide, stifle, ignore, and silence that thing inside us for a very long time... but the reality is, there will be a circumstance that activates her in such a way, there's no turning back.

My wish, my hope... my prayer is that she's not as scary as I think she is and that if I just let her loose, she might actually regulate and I won't have to wrestle with her anymore. If you've tamed your seemingly irrational inner child (aka: feelings), I'd love for you to share some tangible tips. Honestly, "let go and let God," isn't all that helpful, I need some real "parenting" suggestions, lol. Clearly I'm a work in progress and I'm still figuring out this tangled ball of yarn, we call life. I hope you'll consider joining my journey of healing. Subscribe for updates!

Follow Along & Comment

Feel free to share your thoughts, struggle, and overcoming tips. I'm sure they will spark another element of my healing journey. If you feel my journey is helping you along yours, or you think it will help someone else in your world, please share this. If COVID taught us anything, it's no matter if you're an introvert or inward thinker, isolation and the sense of being alone is pure torture. Let's not do this alone!

You're always welcome!

Carrie ~