Why Is My Heart Racing?

Our nervous systems are fascinating... and although, they have "good intentions," are incredibly effective at keeping us stuck! The simple decision to sit in front of my keyboard, literally saying out loud, "You are not allowed to work, you may only journal!" sent my being into a flurry.

I thought about doing one of my vagus nerve exercises before starting, but have decided to capture my struggle so I can appreciate the release, giving others a chance to benefit from my journey. The strangest part about an anxious state is how fast our mind can go from a single thought - and within seconds, become a flood of distressful thoughts or memories. So loud, that it takes a jarring, conscious effort to silence and redirect it. We have to think about what we're thinking about, because if left to itself... our mind will twist us into a pretzel and our body, heart & relationships will follow.

Today I'm focusing on embracing the balance of being uncomfortable to actually develop peace within myself. I have spent most of my life mastering the art of reading and trying to anticipate the energy and emotions of others. This is a self-preserving mechanism that is insanely self-focused. It comes disguised as "care for others," but if we're honest with ourselves, it's really an effort to protect ourselves from discomfort.

It's uncomfortable to experience the frustration, disappointment, anger, sadness, and anxiety of other's. The "fixer" (aka: nervous system) rages from the back room of my being, literally screaming at me to calm the situation. The crazy thing is, I'm realizing it isn't calming at all... for anyone! My anxious energy, frantically spouting solutions, encouragement, even hope, create a high voltage energy that ripples through the room.

What if I could just listen? What if I could just be quiet (within myself)? What if I could just be present and sympathetic? What if I could be secure enough in myself, that I didn't need to overtake the situation and try to redirect it?

It's hard to look in the mirror and realize that the things you've done for a lifetime - with seemingly good intention, were really just self-serving survival mechanisms. This doesn't mean I didn't deeply care, and didn't sincerely wish to provide hope. But, I can do that without carrying the burden or responsibility of "managing" the other person. They aren't my responsibility. The self-righteous part of me, disguised as a "helper," pushes past the boundary of "individual" and imposes itself on others.

I hope to find the balance of being a genuine listener, willing and able to just sit with you in the mire, and if asked... willing to share wisdom or insight. Dear Lord, I feel like you'll have to perform a miracle to free my rapid-fire tongue. James says it best as he graciously describes the power of our tongues and the overwhelming challenge of taming them.

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Feel free to share your thoughts, struggle, and overcoming tips. I'm sure they will spark another element of my healing journey. If you feel my journey is helping you along yours, or you think it will help someone else in your world, please share this. If COVID taught us anything, it's no matter if you're an introvert or inward thinker, isolation and the sense of being alone is pure torture. Let's not do this alone!

You're always welcome!

Carrie ~