Confessions of a Prostitute

As I continue to walk my path of healing, I’m consistently surprised by God’s persistence which requires me to look deeper, to heal deeper. Being transparent, it can be quite exhausting. It seems like a constant juggling act – uncovering cobwebs, contemplating truths against lies, and what feels like a never-ending emotional micrographic surgery procedure. Psalm 38:17-18

What is micrographic surgery? It’s the process of removing one thin layer of cancerous tissue at a time; as each layer is removed, it’s studied under a microscope for the presence of cancer cells. If it’s cancer-free, the surgery is ended. IF NOT, more tissue is removed where the cancer cells were found, and the procedure is REPEATED until they reach a layer that is cancer free. That about sums up how I’ve felt recently; as soon as I get through one layer, I’m met with a new layer that must be addressed. James 5:16

Don’t get me wrong, I want healing, I want peace, I want freedom; but as I said, it’s exhausting.

My most recent contemplation came in the form of a picture, as most things do for me. I saw myself as a prostitute; a broken, tired, used up prostitute. Immediately the definition of a prostitute became undoubtable clear. First, they are a person; a person with a story, often with a painful journey that somehow brought them to this intersection. More importantly, they have somehow been convinced that their “being” is not valuable and worth protecting. They do not know their worth, they can’t imagine that they are capable of being deeply cherished, accepted, nurtured, and loved. They don’t see their beauty; they struggle to see a hope outside of their current circumstance. They are filled with shame and fear, secretly wishing someone would “see” them, help them, want them. They are STUCK! They are “ME”! Proverbs 13:12

How did I get here? How do I get out of here? John 10:10

I feel like the enemy is my pimp, repeatedly reminding me that even if I wanted to be free from this bondage, no one would accept me. And even if they did find it in their heart to accept me, they’d never be able to authentically love me. There’s this sense that I would be tolerated, not enjoyed, but simply tolerated.

I see metaphoric “eyes” watching me with judgement, with pity, with disappointment, and with shame. “They” thought I was better than this, “they” didn’t realize I was this far gone. Mark 6:1-5

What I “saw” next was a picture of me defiantly kicking off my spiritual “stiletto heels” as an act of independence. I’m still me, but I’ve decided to stop allowing the lies fumbling around in my head to keep me “on the streets.” I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know if anyone will receive me, but I just have to step out and take a chance. Philippians 3:12-15

What came next, actually brought me to tears. I “saw” what I believed to be Jesus’ Great, Great Great… Grandma. Let me take a moment to explain. Many generations before Jesus, there was a woman typically referred to as Rahab the Harlot. She had clearly lived a life that was questionable. God chose her to hide two “men of God” in her home; men that were scoping out the future demise of Jericho. Now I don’t know about you, but that sure seems like a questionable choice to me. God then intentionally spared her and her family and ultimately, she married Joshua. It has been said that she was the mother of Boaz which began a path of genealogy that seems to lead straight to Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-10

Why is this important, why would this bring me to tears? Because, if God could be so intentional about choosing Rahab, an assumed prostitute, to be a part of His own Son’s story; is it possible that He could choose me, that He could use me? My head tells me “yes” but my heart still needs to catch up. I have to believe that if God took the time to paint this picture for me, that He indeed intends to heal this “prostitute’s” heart and certainly has planned good things for me to walk out.

Here’s a little truth to help offset the lies that swirl around us: Zephaniah 3:17, Isaiah 49:15-16, Ephesians 3:20, Psalm 56:8, Psalm 17:8 I hope you'll consider joining my journey of healing. Subscribe for updates!

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Carrie ~