The Most Qualified Unqualified Person Part 2

A train wreck waiting to happen... this is how I felt for much of my life. I'm going to puke out a lot of jarring facts and life circumstances that, over time, I will unpack if you decide to follow my journey. This is my attempt to outline the story that led me here. They are essentially the qualifiers that make me so very unqualified to give you advice - or to assume I'm an expert on any issue I process on this platform.

This is a picture of my 5-year-old self. I walked in fear for a good part of my life. Growing up in a household that was full of anger and rage, with an alcoholic drug addict laid the foundation for fearfully anticipating anything that might activate an unpredictable situation. Having undiagnosed ADHD just added to the turmoil. The worse being my inability to remember things which often came with severe consequences. My complete unawareness of time just compounded things. I still feel like I cannot learn a thing, but must actually understand it. The positive side is, once I understand it, you can't beat it out of me, it sticks forever - and I KNOW it.

At 5-years-old, I was molested by two different young men in two completely different situations. At this same time in my life, I have a very strange "recurring dream" that seems almost impossible for a child to even conjure up, that I'm still not sure if it was a dream or my psyche's need to cope.

At 14-years-old, I was aggressively molested by a trusted Pastor's son with greater intent - but by the grace of God interrupted. At 15-years-old, once again molested by a family friend, isolated on a WaveRunner in the middle of the lake on a family outing. I was like a cat dropped in a bathtub, clawing my way back onto the boat. At 17, the Enemy almost took me out when I was raped and my innocence was finally completely lost. At that moment, I died inside... there was nothing left and I just wanted to go "Home." This led to having my stomach pumped twice to rid my body of the poison I had inflicted, and a two and a half month stay in a recovery hospital - which God used to SAVE my life. Not just my breath, but my future. How could this happen so many times and it not be my fault!?! I'll unpack this later. God has freed me from this belief.

I will note, my awareness of God was beyond comprehension, as He was genuinely present, gently holding me as the world and broken humans stole my innocence. The mystery of "human will" is hard to understand sometimes. It isn't that God isn't good, He's just a "Man of His Word." He doesn't interfere with our ability to choose, even when it's pure evil; to do so would strip us of our autonomy and freedom. This is hard to reconcile, and I'm not sure we'll ever be able to fully understand the seeming injustice of this. An area I choose acceptance - over understanding.

Religious fear and judgement tried to steal the intimate, and maybe even odd relationship I had with God. What's wrong with this little girl that goes up to the altar and cries her heart out at the feet of Jesus? Who speaks in a language she, nor anyone else can understand? Is she possessed? Is she crazy? I'm still baffled that God's presence was able to override the religious abuse and rejection I walked out.

At 19, having lost my ability to see my body as a treasure, I found myself in an incredibly physically and emotionally abusive relationship. This resulted in an unexpected pregnancy. With my history, there was no chance I was qualified to be a parent, I was convinced I would destroy a child if placed in my care. The obvious choice, get an abortion. Through a miraculous series of events, I no-showed to my appointment and was blessed with the best friend, teacher, and life I could ever imagine... my daughter. She truly is my sunshine and the love of my life.

She gave me an almost supernatural strength, making it easy to leave the abusive situation. Attempting to right the story that had seemed to be so very broken, I married my best friend since I was 10-years-old. It was hard, it was marriage... but he really was a truly wonderful dad to my little girl and he helped me heal in ways that seemed impossible. After 12 years, our relationship came to an abrupt end after a series of affairs, one of which was with one of my "best friends." The abandonment and rejection was brutal... he walked out of our life and never looked back. Our family had literally imploded in a moment and it was gone forever.

The most heart wrenching part was watching my little girl instantly lose the only daddy she had ever known. He was just gone and never looked back. God was so good to us. There were countless miracles and provisions.

Unfortunately, at this same time we (my daughter and I) were very involved in youth ministry. Adults and her teen peers didn't know how to process our family's demise, so church became one of the loneliest and most painful parts of the journey. They weren't judgmental, just not equipped to walk alongside. God however, was as faithful as He's ever been. When sharing this at one point during the journey, someone responded with, "Carrie, it seems as if God is showing you that you don't need anyone but Him."

I instantly retorted, with no pre-thought until that very moment, "Oh no, I think God graciously walked me through this so I would see that NO ONE should ever have to walk this out alone." As humans, we can excuse our lack of support by misassigning what we are called to do - to God. It's an easy out. If we dare bring God into the conversation, we must acknowledge that we are his "literal" hands and feet. Much of what He does requires our involvement and cooperation.

I spent a few years enjoying God's grace and healing. When we experience deep transformation, we can often forget how much further we have to go. This can also mean we're off-guard and vulnerable, because we're so relieved and more peaceful than we've ever been. If we don't understand this, which I most definitely did not, we aren't aware of how our peace will attract those who leach onto us with one single goal, to suck us dry. This led me into a relationship, then marriage with someone incapable of showing up. Their slick tongue and my naïve heart were the perfect storm. This was the first time I became aware of narcissistic behavior and how destructive it can be to our emotional, spiritual, and financial wellbeing.

One and a half years in, I invited a small group of trusted shared friends who had been married on average for 20 years, to help mentor us into a new direction. I had exhausted every biblical and relational tool I knew (I had extensively studied for two years during my healing chapter). Things didn't go at all as I had imagined (productive, growth focused hope).

Instead, it concluded with a man I greatly respected who had a quiet style of wisdom, look me in the eye, and in front of everyone said, "Carrie, you made a mistake. I don't know what else to tell you other than, you made a mistake by marrying him." What am I supposed to do with that? I can't go through another divorce. I can't disappoint God, my child and family, my life! I assure you, at some point I came to have a much different belief about this, but at that moment, I was dizzy and couldn't see which way was up. This ended up being a roughly 7-year chapter where I appeared to have lost almost everything I had worked for. Being with him destroyed relationships, financial investments, my spiritual and emotional compass, and so on. I'll unpack this a bit more at another time, but let's just say, God was gracious and released me.

Not unlike my previous life transition, God was so good to me. He was faithful to heal and bless me beyond comprehension. Unfortunately, I was still unaware of how my peace and joy would attract those who wanted to latch on for their benefit, only to consume me, attempt to break and dismantle me, just so they could justifiably abandon me. It really is like "boiling a frog," you wake up one day and you aren't sure how you went from being the most amazing human being they ever met to demanding that every part of you is offensive and undesirable. You're too much, change your hair, that's not flattering, shut the f*ck up, you're a f*cking b!tch, you're uninvited, and so on. I have gained great insight into Attachment Styles, which I will be sharing along the way, but like most, I had to learn the hard way. Here we go again... another divorce, another failed attempt to love and support, another reset.

Amidst all of this, my amazing daughter (who unfortunately has never experienced a single male that was able to display long-term character, loyalty, faithfulness, true selfless kindness, etc.) found a beautiful friendship in her 12-year partner and now wife. I've never known ANY couple more dedicated, loving, caring, forgiving, and committed as these two. After almost 13 years, they are the only people I know who like and love each other passionately. I adore them and they will always have my love and support. I will cherish the opportunity to do life with them and in the best, broken way possible, reflect God's love and kindness.

A very hard pill for me to swallow is the impact of those ensnared in religion. The devastating repercussions due to their need to take a stand - for a so-called scoreboard in heaven (that I do not believe exists). First, if they truly believe my daughters are going to hell based on their love for one another, wouldn't they do absolutely anything in their power to display the insane love of God to reach them? Hell would only entertain them because they have decided that due to the harsh judgment and abandonment of said people, they want nothing to do with a God that these people represent.

Who could blame them? I choose not to have those people in my life because, I very much want to spend eternity with my daughters, and I want them to know my kind, forgiving, understanding, loving God who LEAVES THE 99 to go after the one; not to beat them into submission, but to keep them safe and love them. That's my God. I will let Him navigate His relationship with others, it's only my responsibility and desire to introduce them to a God whose love left Heaven to show us how very precious we are.

These are just the highlight reels of my life (although, not really highlights at all), but there are so many other areas in my life that have - and continue to teach me. I'm still not "there," nor do I ever expect to get "there." But, I am on my way. I'm on my way and unwilling to hide under the blanket of shame and deny others the opportunity to learn from my journey. I may not be able to be everything for everyone, but I can offer transparency and hope. I can extend an invitation to keep going. I can welcome you to be a part of my journey as you continue to walk out your own.

Again, this platform is created to bring healing and hope - and will not be a place of divisiveness or slinging religious or any other form of mud. I expect this will be a challenge for some, but I'm unwilling to compromise healing and a sense of safety for those looking for hope in a broken world.

I hope you'll consider joining my journey of healing. Subscribe for updates!

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Feel free to share your thoughts, struggle, and overcoming tips. I'm sure they will spark another element of my healing journey. If you feel my journey is helping you along yours, or you think it will help someone else in your world, please share this. If COVID taught us anything, it's no matter if you're an introvert or inward thinker, isolation and the sense of being alone is pure torture. Let's not do this alone!

You're always welcome!

Carrie ~